Force a Smile
by EverybodyandTelevision
Summary: Arizona centric, angsty fic that starts at the end of season 9. Kind of exploring an alternative route to cheating for her ptsd/depression to manifest itself.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note - Ok so this is my first shot at writing anything other than schoolwork and definitely at fanfiction. Any constructive criticism is welcome and appreciated!

Author's Note 2 - Writing this because it's been in my head for a while. Arizona is by far my favourite Grey's character and I haven't been exactly thrilled with the way they've portrayed and explained her new disabled self. Anyways, enjoy!

The rain battered against the glass of the window to her left as she slowly balled her hands into fists and opened them again. She kept her eyes squarely on the ceiling, on that small patch of discolouration, who's origins she'd rather not think of at the moment. It was all in the breathing she told herself, taking one deep, calming breath after another. If she could just focus on her breathing she could make it through this short break.

She hadn't wanted to stop but had known is she hadn't, she would never have been able to keep walking. So she'd made her way to the nearest on call room, locked the door and collapsed onto the bed, wrenching her prosthetic and its liner off in the process.

Arizona's mind wandered. First to the only thought that seemed to consume her at all this past year. Burning fuselage. Mind-numbing pain. Indescribable fear and hopelessness. And Mark, breathing raggedly on her lap as he faded from this life in front of her very eyes. Her eyes snapped open.

'Can't think about that, not now' she told herself. She needed her thigh to get back to its normal size so she could just get back to work. Work would keep her mind off of this. Instead, her mind wandered back in time once again.

She could still smell it. The rancid odour of her own urine as she sat there, well past the point where she had cried herself out. The loss of control was devastating. She couldn't even pee without needing assistance. She couldn't live without help. Did she even want to live? Everyone kept saying it: 'She cut off your leg to save your life'. She should probably be grateful, but instead all she wanted to do was go back to that hospital and tell them it wasn't worth it. Her leg wasn't worth her life. That's when she heard Callie come home.

She understood Callie's frustration. She understood her anger and desperation. It didn't make it any easier to breathe under that shower after she'd shoved her into it. The helplessness she had been feeling a moment ago, that she had no power of her own body and actions increased tenfold. Now Callie had all the power over her, and it made her want to vomit. But she hadn't said anything, hadn't communicated, mired her need to soothe Callie, she submitted and kept marching.

She opened her eyes and felt the sounds of the storm envelop her, breathing in more deep breathes as she struggled to pull herself out of her downward spiral. Her head snapped sideways when she heard a knock.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note - I'm back already, I was just feeling it and wrote this when I got home, enjoy. Any reviews are appreciated, also if you have any ideas of where the story could go, or where you'd like it to go, I'm more than happy to take suggestions because I have no idea where I'm going with this. Thanks!

Scrambling to gather herself, Arizona sat up and swung her leg over the bed quickly, knocking her prosthetic down and across the room in the process.

'Shit' she whispered, trying to reach it by leaning backward on the bed and extending her right leg as far as it would go. Just out of reach.

'Are you kidding me!?' She lowered herself onto the ground, taking a breath to stop the anger at her predicament from taking over.

A voice came from behind the door. 'Umm, it's okay, I was just checking to make sure you were ok, you've been in there a while'

Arizona rested her head against the bed and close her eyes before making a concerted effort to scoot her way towards her prosthetic

'Ya, no, I'm fine, just give me a second, I'll be out in a second Lauren'

Finally reaching her prosthetic, she used it as a crutch to stand after quickly stepping out of her pants. She pulled the prosthetic and liner into place and pulled her pants up around her hips.

'It's okay if you need a few more minutes, I'll just go'

'No!' Arizona half yelled out, determined not to appear weak in front of yet another person. She leaned over and unlocked she door, quickly turning the knob so Lauren could come in, she brought her hands back to her scrub pants to tie them. Lauren barely had time to step into the room before the lights flickered and fizzed out completely. Absolute darkness wrapped around them and Arizona froze.

Burning fuselage. Pain. Fear. Mark dying. Insects crawling up her leg. In her leg. Wolves getting nearer every second. Mark dying again, always dying. Always fear.

She couldn't breathe, her leg was mutilated and her insides were trying to kill her. Mark was leaving her. She couldn't stay out here without Mark. In the burning wreck that their lives, there was no way she would be able to keep going without the tangible proof of something to come back to staring at her from her lap. Cristina hit with something and he came back, coughing a little bit, his eyes wide. But she still couldn't breathe, why couldn't she breathe?

—

'Callie!' Callie looked around for the source of the shout, spotting Alex Karev jogging towards her. She turned back to the severely crushed bone she had been tending to as he neared the gurney.

'What Karev? I'm a little swamped here' He stopped in front of her, taking several breaths before stealing himself to speak,

'Something's going on with Robbins' Callie head snapped up, patient forgotten.

'What do you mean, is she hurt, did she fall, is it phantom pain again?' She was already ridding herself of her gloves, making her way towards the PEDs floor. Karev followed her, matching her pace as they took the stairs, lit only by the angry red exit signs above the doors.

'Uh, I'm not really sure. The power went out and then Lauren, that visiting doctor, came to me all panicky saying, she was in an on call room with Arizona when the power went out and Robbins freaked. By the time I got there she was sitting in the corner and her prosthetic was across the room, she was talking but I couldn't really catch any of it'

Taking the rest of the stairs two at a time, Callie rushed into the PEDs ward heading towards the on call room. Taking the slightest second to wonder why Lauren and her wife had been in there together, she pushed those thoughts aside and walked into the room.

What met her eyes terrified her and broke her heart all at once. Clutching her right leg to her chest like a life line, Arizona was staring into the distance, as though she wasn't really there at all. Her mouth moved quickly and Callie only caught bits of what she was saying. Callie stepped forward and Arizona's eyes snapped toward her and she stopped talking. Callie was about to open her mouth, relieved when Arizona spoke

'You can't die Mark, I can't do this without you, stop dying'

It was barely above a whisper but Callie heard it and tears welled up in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she turned to Alex who was standing in the doorframe.

'Can you get Cristina?' She turned her attention back to Arizona, who had gone back to incoherent mumbling, rocking herself back and forth.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note - I'm back! I know these chapters are really short, I'm just writing what comes out organically, but they are getting a little bit longer with every take so there's that. I hope you like the direction this is taking and again, reviews and comments are welcome and appreciated, thanks!

Cristina rested her head against the wall, exhaling for the first time in what felt like a decade. She felt Alex coming before turning her head to look at his disheveled figure.

'You okay, you look tired' He said coming to a halt in front of her.

'Ya well Mer went into labour and almost died' she held up a hand to pause him before he interrupted her, 'almost being the key word, they're both fine. What's up with you, you don't look too hot either'

He joined her against the wall, sighing heavily.

'Callie asked me to come get you, Arizona's gone all catatonic on us'

'What?'

'When the power went off, she's all curled up in a ball and crying'

Alex shifted uncomfortably, he hated seeing his boss and mentor this way. Cristina closed her eyes and leaned her head back once again. She thought back to her own momentary panic when the lights went out. The flash of fear and hopelessness that crushed her chest. Arizona needed help, more than she could give her in a few minutes of comforting familiarity.

She turned back towards Alex,

'Ya ok, let's go'

—

Callie tried getting closer to Arizona. She set a hand on her shoulder and tried to shake a bit but all she was met with was a shriek of terror and cold, clammy hands clawing her away. After that she decided maybe it was best to sit on the bed and make sure Arizona didn't hurt herself. She collected the prosthesis from the far corner of the room, where, presumably, Arizona had thrown it in her delusional state.

She didn't catch much of what Arizona was saying but it was clear that in her mind, she was right back at the scene of the plane crash. What struck Callie most was how much Mark seemed to figure in the mumbling. Well, Mark and the leg. She was drawn back from her thoughts by a loud whimper from Arizona's corner.

Looking over, she couldn't help the tears that escaped as Arizona continued to struggle with what was without a doubt the worst flashback she'd experienced since the crash. Well, if you didn't count the nightmares. Callie didn't really know what went on in those anyway, Arizona refused to talk about them and most of the time, Callie didn't let on that she'd seen Arizona jump up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. Arizona was already angry and frustrated with herself enough, Callie didn't want to add to it, as she knew she would if she tried to push Arizona to tell her about those awful dreams. She thought they'd made a lot of progress in the past year and physically that was still true, but staring at her wife's shaking form, she couldn't help but wonder if they'd made any emotional progress at all. She knew Arizona didn't like to talk about things, that she liked to deal with her own problems and not bother others with what she felt were her own, shameful, issues. She hadn't realised to what extent those issues went, or how far Arizona had tried to push them down.

She was again interrupted by a light knock on the door.

'Come in Alex' she said hoarsely, clearing her throat and wiping her eyes with her sleeve.

The door swung open just enough to allow Cristina in before Alex closed the door.

'He didn't want to intrude, he knows she doesn't like being seen not…' Cristina paused a second to look over at Arizona in the corner, 'perky'. Callie closed her eyes a second. Perky was Arizona's hospital label, had she been a man, she would've surely been McPerky, but the way Cristina put it added a layer of depth to the epithet. Perky was Arizona's wall, her protector exterior that only a few got to see her without. Namely Callie, and as evidenced at that moment, the other crash survivors. Callie opened her eyes again,

'Thank you, for coming' she darted a grateful, exhausted look to Cristina, who only nodded in return before answering,

'You need to get her some serious help, I'll help her this time but I'm not doing this again. That,' she pointed to Arizona, 'is a woman who is still stuck in the place she was in a year ago and it's not healthy, for her, or for me'.

Before Callie could respond, Cristina had walked over to where Arizona was sitting. She stopped about a foot away and slid down the wall beside her. She slowly took out her phone and turned on the flashlight mode before putting it down between them, and, in the most gentle and tender movement Callie had ever seen Cristina perform, she put her hand on Arizona's.

Callie watched in awe as Arizona's eyes darted towards the light, still not completely aware of her situation. Cristina had her head tipped against the wall and her eyes closed but she spoke, barely above a whisper.

'Arizona. It's been a year. And Mark is dead. And your leg is gone. But you're not dead and you won't die. And my shoulder is back in its place and I'm ok. We are ok'

Cristina stopped talking. Arizona's fingers had curled around Cristina's and her eyes were closed. She let her leg fall down in front as she took several deep, heaving breaths. Then let out a harsh, heart wrenching sob.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note - Here's chapter 4, very short again sorry, it's just what comes out organically. Quick side comment before the chapter starts, are there any ER fans reading this? If so, I was wondering if it ever occurred to anyone that Doug Ross and Carol Hathaway could actually work at Grey Sloan for the transplant team, you know in dream television world. Anyway in my mind they do, carry on.

Light.

Not the sun rising through the trees of the lonely Idaho forest but piercing, bright light that renders half of her surroundings indiscernible. And through that light slowly, she can see the hospital and the pain is becoming less outrageous. And breathing is becoming easier.

'It's been a year'

Cristina. That's her hand, and she's talking. It's been a year. Fuck, Arizona closes her eyes as the intensity of what just happened comes crashing down around her. Mark is dead. Her leg is gone.

'We are ok'

Arizona can't help the sob that breaks through as she realises just how not okay she really is. Nothing is ok. How long has she been sitting on the floor? How long has she spent in the prison that was now her mind? She feels Cristina slip her hand out from within her grasp and stand beside her. She hears her whisper a few words to someone and then slip out of the room. Arizona opens her eyes, still crying in earnest as she tries to regain control of her own thoughts and actions. She sees Callie, sitting on the edge of the bed across from her. Her elbows are on her knees and her hands clasped together. Her eyes are wet and tears still flow freely down her face but it's the look that Arizona finds there that makes her reach her hands out towards Callie. It isn't 'the look', there is no pity. Instead she sees desperation and, even more so, determination.

Callie stands up and leans down to help Arizona up, wrapping her in a comforting hug. She pulls away slightly to look into Arizona's bloodshot eyes.

'I'm so sorry. We should've gotten you more help'

Arizona leans her forehead against Callie's taking in a deep breath,

'I should've told you, talked to you. It's just'

She stops talking shaking her head and burying it once again in the crook of Callie's neck, inhaling the scent of her hair. Callie kissed the top of her head,

'We suck at communicating don't we' She whispered, a sad half smile on her face. Arizona just stayed in her position, holding onto Callie just a bit more tightly as the flow of her tears began to ebb. Callie maneuvered Arizona onto the bed and pulled out her phone. She turned on her own flashlight and set it down on the bed beside her wife before starting to reattach Arizona's prosthetic.

'Thank you' Arizona whispered, her eyes fixated on Callie, she noticed the scratch marks on Callie's forearm as Callie pulled her up from the bed,

'Did I hurt you?' She asked softly, still revelling in the softness and comfort of Callie's embrace. Callie looked down at her arm, honestly surprised to find anything there, she hadn't been thinking about anything other than Arizona.

'No, no I'm fine, come on, let's get you home' Arizona's eyes shone with unshed tears as she looked at Callie,

'But I could have, I could have hurt you' Arizona looked down, tensed and started pulling away but Callie held strong, she wasn't going to let Arizona's insecurities win, not again. She held onto Arizona's forearms, willing her to look her in the eyes again.

'Hey, hey sweetheart, that doesn't matter, you didn't,' Arizona looked unconvinced, so Callie kept going, 'and starting right now we're gonna work on 'could have' ok, we're gonna make sure that this doesn't happen again'. Arizona brought her eyes back up to meet Callie's

'I love you' Callie smiled genuinely this time, pulling Arizona into a tight embrace,

'I love you too'


End file.
